The Meaning of Hate
by JaiWong
Summary: A look into the mind of Reeve of ShinRa and how he feels about himself after the Keystone incident. My first Reeve fic. One hundred and ten percent pure angst, plain and simple.


The Meaning of Hate

by JaiWong

I never thought I knew the meaning of hate.

I'm not really what people would call a passionate man. I don't really have anything that drives me towards any one goal. I was never the type to experience any intense emotions, either. Of course, I'll get upset once in a while, or occasionally a little saddened, but never anything big. And, about once in a blue moon, I'll even feel kind of happy.

No, I'm not what people would call an emotional man.

Actually, I'm generally what people call bland and basic. And weak. Oh yes, mustn't forget that one. It seems that because I am the only person in ShinRa who still has half a soul, it makes me weak. Because I still hear the cries of the people ShinRa murdered, because I still try and look out for the common people like my job entails, I'm barely worth the effort it takes to sign my paycheck. Not that it bothers me.

As I said, nothing really bothers me.

It's not as if I don't know what I'm really here for, of course. As the "good boy" of ShinRa Inc, I have become what is known as public relations sacrificial lamb. People getting restless again? I'm right down in the thick of it, trying to convince the people that ShinRa has nothing but their well-being in mind. And I must say, while I've no head for intrigue, I'm really quite good at lying by now.

Do I feel any qualms about this? Sure. But what good will it do to say anything? I tried once, back when I was young and new to ShinRa. New to life, and that was my mistake. I brought it up at a company conference and nearly got laughed out of Midgar. Shinra himself was too polite, more like too busy, to say anything more than a brief dismissal of my petition. The others, though, they were a different matter. Heidegger and Scarlet nearly killed themselves laughing- pity they didn't. Palmer didn't say much either, but I could tell he was amused. The only other person there was Tseng, the only person that my comments didn't serve to entertain.

I never knew much about Tseng. The others I knew too well and don't I wish I didn't. Tseng, though, he was an enigma to me. To everyone else too, for that matter. Leader of the Turks. People always mistake me for a Turk because of my suit. Until they get up close, that is. I'll admit, I'm not the most well built of people, I was made for an office job. Tseng comes across as the same way until you look real close. Like me, he's as slender as one of those Wutain cigarettes he's always smoking, but he's all muscle. Whipcord and bone covered with the skin of a woman. But there's more than just looks that make us different, lots more. Tseng was dignified, composed. Elegant, like a pillar of marble. A ladies man, to be sure, but he never bothered with such things. In that, at least, we're the same.

I guess I wasn't always like that. I used to be pretty active in that circle, back before ShinRa and a little bit after, too. And yes, before you ask, I did sleep with Scarlet. It was only once, and believe me, once was enough. When I first came here, I was infatuated. I thought she was beautiful- prime stuff, you know? When she approached me, I thought it was like a dream come true. More like a nightmare. I've been used lots of times since then, but that was probably the worst. Not to mention the feeling of _filth_ that just clung to my skin. I must have spent hours trying to get the smell of her perfume off me and my clothing, and every time she passed me in the corridors I would just about gag. Not something I want to remember, and not something I'm likely to forget.

Scarlet's probably the one who mocks me the most. I mean really, can you believe that guy working here that still believes in love? And can you imagine that he actually thought he'd find it in Scarlet of ShinRa? How foolish of me.

Oh well.

Next in line to her would have to be Heidegger. I'd almost swear that man had it in for me the first time we ever met. A man of weapons, he had no time for an office nark like me. Never missed a chance to put me out, make me look like a fool, especially in front of Shinra. Did this irritate me? Well, yes, just a little. What I disliked the most about him and Scarlet though, I suppose, was their lack of morals, a code of ethics. Ironically enough, that's what they disliked most about me. In the eyes of ShinRa, morals make you weak.

Sometimes I would wish I was more like Tseng or one of his Turks. Cold, impassive, you know? I'm pretty unemotional as is, but that's just because I don't find much worth the effort to get riled over anymore. Them- they just don't give a damn, or at least make sure the world doesn't think they do.

No, no matter how much I may look like a Turk on the outside, I would never have made it as one of them. Who am I kidding- I could never even have made SOLDIER. Seriously, look at me. I can barely even shoot a gun and never in my life have I had to train that gun on another living being. And to be honest, if it came down to that I've no doubts I'd be lying dead in a gutter, unfired gun still in my hand. I haven't the stomach or the heart to be Turk. Or, more to the point, I've too much of a heart.

Still, I don't envy them, it's just not my nature. Don't resent them, either. After all, it's not _their_ fault I'm just a walking talking suit who can't even do his job right because the whole company's against him.

In the beginning I said that I never really knew the meaning of hate, and it's true. Heidegger, Shinra, even Scarlet, no matter how much they might irk me, I don't hate a single one of them. Maybe it's because it's not worth the effort, or because I know it won't change anything, but I really don't think so. For see, while I said before that I wasn't terribly passionate when it came to emotions, I was lying. There is one person I hold strong, very strong, feelings towards. If ever, in my entire life I hated someone without a doubt, I know who it is.

Me.

Surprised? So was I. I lived for so long without really ever feeling anything, and then all of a sudden I felt this kind of disquiet in me. I went for days trying to figure out what it was, then I realized. By that time, true emotion, especially when it was as strong as what I was feeling, was so completely foreign to me that I didn't even recognize it at first. And I can tell you, to this day, the very hour it began.

I had always been better at engineering than anything else. That's partly how I got my job in Urban Development. But it wasn't enough, it was even close to enough. I needed to work with machines, with blueprints and gears, tools of finesse and detail. Here, take a look at these, recognize them? Of course you do. My proudest achievement, and the one that brought me to this place of self hatred and loathing. Who would have thought that a huge and puffy stuffed mog on top of which rode an equally charming cat could have evoke such emotion in me? Who would have thought that a moving toy, a child's delight, could raise in me this fiery hate?

Yes, it was Cait Sith.

Even now I'm not sure why I built it. I wasn't even planning on doing anything with it. So I gave it to the Gold Saucer, thought it might make a nice change to all those birds running around. I could talk through it, of course, and move it if I chose, but I also included a program that would allow it to run itself, up to a point. This was all it needed for the Gold Saucer, and so after a while I forgot about it.

Then Cloud Strife and his friends came around, looking for Sephiroth, looking for Rufus, looking for vengeance. Then the Keystone gets thrown into the mix and guess where it is...the Gold Saucer. Rufus figures that Cloud and company are going to head there next, so what does he do? The only smart thing, and that's to check to see if ShinRa has connections there. It's a stupid inquiry, actually- ShinRa has connections everywhere. Anyway, I bet you can guess who's name came up.

At the time, all Rufus knew was that there was a ShinRa controlled machine working at the Gold Saucer, and that was enough for him. Now all he needed was a spy. Scarlet wanted the job, but Rufus was at least bright enough to tell her no. Probably the first time she's ever heard that word come from a man's mouth.

Rufus needed someone who was a good actor, they needed to be able to convince Cloud that they really were on the same side. Instead, he found something better. Me. I didn't even _-need-_ to act, I was about as straight up as it came. And when he found out that I was actually the one who built and controlled Cait Sith, his plan just clicked. Perfect.

So now I was a spy for ShinRa.

This was the start of my hatred, I suppose. No, wait, not yet. At that time it was more of a matter of self disgust. I was being used again, my reputation as a "good boy" saw to that. But what bothered me was that I was good at it. Cloud and the others barely even protested when I joined them and they had no reason at all to suspect I was with ShinRa. Much as I'm unsuited for intrigue, when the role is thrust upon me, I play it quite well.

What does this say about me?

Either way, I played the part for some time before it became necessary for Rufus to make his second move. In that time I actually became quite close with everyone, especially that girl Tifa. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if Tifa wasn't so involved with Cloud, or if I had been me instead of a stuffed toy. I mentioned this to Reno once, I must have been drunk out of my mind, though if that was the case, so was he. "Yer a ShinRa exec," he told me. "She's a member of AVALANCHE. Yer on opposite sides of the track, cat-boy."

I know he was right, but still. It can't hurt a man to dream, can it? After all, hope comes so seldom to me now.

Unfortunately, that hope was dashed pretty quick. Rufus, conniving, deceitful and an absolute genius in his own right, called into action the second part of his plan. This is where the hate begins.

Looking back now, I see that I could have placed the blame for my actions on Rufus himself, after all, wasn't he the one that gave me the order? But that's just not my way, and besides, I didn't have to obey. It would have cost me my job but at least I wouldn't be living with this gnawing feeling of resentment. Instead, it acts itself out as my sentence for the crimes I committed under ShinRa's rule.

How fitting.

Besides, even if I did try to convince myself that it was Rufus' fault there remains one single problem. Not only did I carry out his orders, but I did it well.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Marlene. That sweet little girl who is the reason behind this hate everlasting. The innocent who left her mark on what is left of my soul that condemned me to my living hell.

She was such a sweet little girl, really. I remember there was a flower in her hair when we picked her up. You don't see flowers around here anymore, not even up here in the ShinRa building. We took her back to ShinRa and I brought her into my office. She had some spunk, considering her size. Takes after Tifa...

Anyway, the minute the SOLDIERs left, she stood there, looked me in the eye and told me what I, by that time, already knew. Just picture it, a little girl no higher than my waist completely unafraid staring me down and telling me "you're a bad man."

From the mouths of babes.

I hated to do it. I hated it almost as much as I hate myself _for_ doing it. I had gotten to know them so well, all of them, that I forgot the real reason I was there. But Rufus, that cold and calculating mastermind of ShinRa gave the word, and that was that.

We carried it out back at the Gold Saucer, as ironic as that may seem. A full circle. It was pure dumb luck that Cloud and his friend were there as I controlled Cait Sith's theft. Gave them quite a run for their money, too, but in the end they caught up with me, and that's the one moment I rue the most. If he hadn't been there, if he had just stayed at the hotel then I would never have been caught. I could have just played dumb and acted as confused as the rest of them when the Keystone turned up missing. But it was fool's luck that caught me. My luck.

It's almost painful to recall what happened next. Cloud was about to do something...drastic, and I had to use the only backup I had. That's right: Marlene. My hands were shaking as I controlled my stuffed masterpiece. Hearing that little girl cry out to Tifa cut me to the quick. And I had to continue on like I didn't even hear it, keep on talking, setting down terms and conditions as if I did that sort of thing every day. That wasn't me. It was my voice through Cait Sith, but it was not me, not my words. It's why I would never have made a good Turk, it's why I would never really make it in ShinRa.

I wanted to tell them that, wanted to tell them that I wasn't really a bad person, that this wasn't the kind of man I was, but I couldn't. I had to just bound away like nothing was wrong and force them to continue accepting me in their party. That's what hurt the most. Acting like it didn't affect me, like I was cold and hard, just like all the other ShinRa employees. To act like something I wasn't.

So now I have this burning hate inside me, this gnawing, itching feeling of resentment that will not be absolved in this lifetime. I pray to the Ancients that something will come and give me peace of mind and heart and soul, that something will do away with this fire and heat in my very core. And yet even then something blocks the words from my lips. For there is something that stops the hate, that quenches the fires of my private hell.

The fear.

Yes, I am afraid, so desperately afraid. At times the fear reaches the point where it's nearly petrifying and I must stop and remind myself to breathe. Because while my hatred stems from the fact that I willingly partook in actions that run against the very grain of my soul, the fear rises from the fact that I did it well. Not even Shinra himself, had he still been alive, would have found fault with how I carried out my acts of atrocity. It frightens me, this talent, if one can call it that. It frightens me that I am able to do such things as that, kidnapping an innocent to save myself. It frightens me that one day, perhaps, I will be just like Scarlet and Heidegger and all the rest of them.

Because of this I know the meaning of fear.

Because of this I know the meaning of hate.

And perhaps one day, if the Fates are kind, I will know the meaning of forgiveness.


End file.
